Becoming a Mother....A Journey

It all began in January of 2001.  I found out I was pregnant.  At 10 weeks, I miscarried.  Why?  I will never know.  It's one of those things I've always wondered.....

In June, I found out I was pregnant again.  It was scary, especially during that first trimester, but I eventually relaxed and enjoyed the pregnancy.  My 20 week ultrasound showed we were having a boy!  We decided to name him Lucas Aidan.  On February 20, 2002 Luke was born weighing 7lbs 8oz.  Everything was perfect, or so I thought.......  Three days later, my entire world was turned upside down in a way that I never possibly imagined it could.  Even as I sit here and type this, I feel the tears beginning to burn my eyes, and my throat tightening....  The emotion is still so incredibly raw.  We were home, a family of 3, ready to begin our lives as that family of 3.  Saturday morning, something just didn't seem right - what did I know?  I was a first time <clueless!> mom.  After talking to the pediatrician, we were sent to the hospital.  I will leave out the details - mostly because it brings up too many emotions to type...  It was literally every parents worst nightmare.  My three day old son died while they were working on him in the hospital.  That Saturday morning I walked into the hospital with my son, and a few hours later walked out with an empty carseat.  An autopsy was performed which showed a series of complex heart defects.  8 - almost 9 years later, I wonder how it was missed.  I had a 20 week ultrasound, wasn't that supposed to pick up those type of defects?   ......So many "what-if's" that I still question today.

The next year began a journey I never imagined I would ever take.  On February 20, 2003 I had my first OB appointment for a new pregnancy.  Yea, I won't even start to explain the terror I lived in for the next 9 months!  I had more detailed ultrasounds, met with a perinatologist, and found myself in L&D numerous times for "lack of movement."  I was neurotic, terrified, crazy, oh, and did I mention neurotic?  I was NEVER convinced I would take this baby home.  I didn't buy a thing during the pregnancy.  Ok, I bought a coming-home outfit!  That was it.  At my 20-week ultrasound (on my birthday!), we found out that this baby was heart healthy!!!  We were told it was a girl, but "don't paint the room pink."  She didn't cooperative very well during the ultrasound.  On October 10, 2003, my 6lb. 12oz. bundle of beauty was born.  Natalie has given me more love then I ever could imagine!  She allowed my heart to heal, and gave me the chance to be a mother.  I thank Luke everyday for giving me his sister.  The only reason I had another child that soon was because he was gone.  I believe Natalie is here today because of her brother.  She's a very special little girl.  She knows about Luke, she talks about Luke.  She knows when his birthday is.  She knows he had "a sick heart."  And she knows I miss him everyday.  Natalie is my rock.

Skip ahead 6+ years.  I'm now divorced and re-married to the most incredible man in the world.  We decide to have a child.  I warn him that I'm a "bad pregnant woman."  But, I agree to give him ONE CHILD!  :-)  I was shocked the day I took that first pregnancy test and it was positive.  We had only tried one month.  But, I was pregnant.  But really, I had waited 6 months!  I had to come off medications to get pregnant.  Each month I was off my drugs for Rheumatoid Arthritis was a month I risked a flare....  I kept telling myself that getting pregnant so quickly was God's way of taking care of us, and telling me that this time it was all going to be ok.  So many emotions came back to the surface.  But I took it week-by-week.  And then, Good Friday morning happened.  Again, my life would never be the same.......