These are a few of my favorite things.....

These are a few (and only a few!) things that make Colin Colin....  He's simply A-DOR-ABLE!  I know, I'm biased, but I'm allowed to be biased.  I'm his momma....

The first is probably his hair.  He's got CRAZY hair. It's definately his personality.  We can't go anywhere without people commenting on his hair!  It's constant.  Sometimes it kinda drives me a bit crazy.  I hear all the time "Look at that hair!"  It makes me want to say, "WOW!  Where did that come from?!?!  I've NEVER seen that before!!  When Dr. Zunich (the geneticist) was checking him out in the hospital after he was born she said, "You know, all the babies in the nursery are jealous of his hair, right?"  She told us that we should die the mohawk part of it purple for halloween.  I love his hair.

Colin has a little swirl at the top of his head, right at his hairline.  The lady that cuts my hair once referred to it as a "tornado." That's exactly what it looks like!  Colin's sister had one as an infant, and still does, but hers is not as pronounced.  I love his little "tornado."

His little piggies...  Aren't they adorable?!?  He has webbed toes (which is part of the DS).  I didn't realize it until my sister pointed them out when he was about 4 days old.  The right foot is webbed more then the left.  Steve is convinced this will make him a better swimmer.  Yea, that doesn't make a difference.  But his toes are so cute!



His little hands and pinkies.  On both hands, his pinkies curve inwards.  Again, that is part of the DS.   But they are so sweet and tiny, and adorable.  I love kissing his little hands! 

But, most of all, the best thing about my little guy is his HUGE smile.  It melts my heart, it makes me smile, and again, I realize "it's all going to be ok." 
He started these huge open mouth smiles around 8-9 weeks old.  Right before Thanksgiving.  I love the way he smile when he's interacting with his Daddy.  That's the absolute best. 

Weeks of waiting... The unknown.

In January, I found out I was pregnant.  Everything began very routine.  I knew what to expect - I wasn't new to this!  My OB had told me I could have as much or as little testing as I wanted.  I told her I wanted what was standard.  She asked about an amnio (due to my age.  Yep, I was now considered "Advanced Maternal Age" WHATEVER!).  I told her I didn't want to go that route, nothing invasive. 
Around 13wks it was time for my quad screening.  This would be a nuchal translucency scan with the perinatologist, and bloodwork.  It would determine my "odds" of having a baby with down syndrome or other chromosomal defects.  I started at the geneticists office and we went through all my medical history, along with Steve's.  We spent a lot of time talking about Luke's heart defects.  That was my largest concern.  DS was the furthest thing from my mind!  I remember one of the last things we discussed was my age.  She told me that my chance was only slightly higher then it would be if I was a few years younger.  I walked out of there feeling great! 
March 25th, I had the ultrasound and bloodwork.  I was told nuchal folds were within the normal limit.  On Good Friday, April 9th, my geneticist called me in the morning.  She told me the bloodwork came back with elevated numbers.  Based on my age, my ratio for the risk of downs was 1:250.  Mine came back at 1:30.  Damn, why did I not buy a lottery ticket that day?  She gave me a few options:
1.  Do nothing
2.  Jump to the amnio
3.  Re-do the blood work after 16wks to see what it came back at.
She warned me that the chance of a false-positive is high, I knew that already...  I opted for #3 - wait until 16wks to do the bloodwork again. 
I tried my best over the next few weeks to put it all out of my mind....  But, I really think that in my heart I already knew what the results were.
At the end of April, I had the bloodwork repeated.  My geneticist called me on a Monday afternoon to tell me that the ratio was elevated again.  This time, it was 1:5.  Did I buy a lottery ticket?  NO!  What was I thinking?!?!  Again, given a few options - do nothing, do an amnio.  I chose the amnio.  Many women choose not to have an amnio done because of the risks involved.  But seriously?  How could I *NOT* know?  How was I supposed to spend the next 22 weeks wondering.  I'm a planner.  I needed to know.  My amnio was that week.  It hurt.  I was scared.  My husband helped me through. 
On May 4th, Dr. Zunich (geneticist) called me on my cell at school.  I had carried my cell with me everywhere I went for days.  I was anticipating that call.  I needed that call.  The unknown had gone on since March - here it was May.  I was teaching one of my 6th grade classes.  I went out in the hall to talk to her.  She asked me if I could talk, if I was alone.  My heart sank.  I knew everything was about to change.  She told me that the amnio came back positive for DS.  I told her I knew.  I finally felt peace.  I had my answer.  We talked for a few minutes and made arrangements to meet at her office the next day after school.
I cried, mostly out of a sense of relief - I finally had my answer.  I knew I needed to call my husband and tell him....  It was one of the hardest calls I ever had to make.  How do you tell the father of your baby that the child you're carrying will be born with down syndrome? 

Termination.....  This was offered to me that afternoon by my OB.  Seriously?  That thought never crossed my mind.  Why/how could I ever consider this?  Yes, this child will have developmental issues, but he has a good chance at life.  It's not my right to take that away!  She was glad I chose to move forward.

The next day, I returned to school.  I couldn't talk about it.  I was still trying to process it all.  I cried a lot over the next week.  And I was terrified.  I knew the health issues that could be associated in children who have down syndrome.  I already had one "heart baby" and I knew that if this baby had a heart defect, that would be what would send me over the edge.  Not the DS!  I could handle the DS, but couldn't handle a heart defect. 

The Good Lord blessed me over the next 20 weeks. We found out that he didn't have a heart defect!  Everything else looked healthy with him.  I had monthly growth ultrasounds with the perinatologist.  At 30 weeks I began bi-weekly NST's and biophysical profiles.  Even before Colin was born he was the most photographed baby ever!! 

On September 21, 2010 our son was born.  100% healthy.  100% beautiful.  It was all going to be ok.

Becoming a Mother....A Journey

It all began in January of 2001.  I found out I was pregnant.  At 10 weeks, I miscarried.  Why?  I will never know.  It's one of those things I've always wondered.....

In June, I found out I was pregnant again.  It was scary, especially during that first trimester, but I eventually relaxed and enjoyed the pregnancy.  My 20 week ultrasound showed we were having a boy!  We decided to name him Lucas Aidan.  On February 20, 2002 Luke was born weighing 7lbs 8oz.  Everything was perfect, or so I thought.......  Three days later, my entire world was turned upside down in a way that I never possibly imagined it could.  Even as I sit here and type this, I feel the tears beginning to burn my eyes, and my throat tightening....  The emotion is still so incredibly raw.  We were home, a family of 3, ready to begin our lives as that family of 3.  Saturday morning, something just didn't seem right - what did I know?  I was a first time <clueless!> mom.  After talking to the pediatrician, we were sent to the hospital.  I will leave out the details - mostly because it brings up too many emotions to type...  It was literally every parents worst nightmare.  My three day old son died while they were working on him in the hospital.  That Saturday morning I walked into the hospital with my son, and a few hours later walked out with an empty carseat.  An autopsy was performed which showed a series of complex heart defects.  8 - almost 9 years later, I wonder how it was missed.  I had a 20 week ultrasound, wasn't that supposed to pick up those type of defects?   ......So many "what-if's" that I still question today.

The next year began a journey I never imagined I would ever take.  On February 20, 2003 I had my first OB appointment for a new pregnancy.  Yea, I won't even start to explain the terror I lived in for the next 9 months!  I had more detailed ultrasounds, met with a perinatologist, and found myself in L&D numerous times for "lack of movement."  I was neurotic, terrified, crazy, oh, and did I mention neurotic?  I was NEVER convinced I would take this baby home.  I didn't buy a thing during the pregnancy.  Ok, I bought a coming-home outfit!  That was it.  At my 20-week ultrasound (on my birthday!), we found out that this baby was heart healthy!!!  We were told it was a girl, but "don't paint the room pink."  She didn't cooperative very well during the ultrasound.  On October 10, 2003, my 6lb. 12oz. bundle of beauty was born.  Natalie has given me more love then I ever could imagine!  She allowed my heart to heal, and gave me the chance to be a mother.  I thank Luke everyday for giving me his sister.  The only reason I had another child that soon was because he was gone.  I believe Natalie is here today because of her brother.  She's a very special little girl.  She knows about Luke, she talks about Luke.  She knows when his birthday is.  She knows he had "a sick heart."  And she knows I miss him everyday.  Natalie is my rock.

Skip ahead 6+ years.  I'm now divorced and re-married to the most incredible man in the world.  We decide to have a child.  I warn him that I'm a "bad pregnant woman."  But, I agree to give him ONE CHILD!  :-)  I was shocked the day I took that first pregnancy test and it was positive.  We had only tried one month.  But, I was pregnant.  But really, I had waited 6 months!  I had to come off medications to get pregnant.  Each month I was off my drugs for Rheumatoid Arthritis was a month I risked a flare....  I kept telling myself that getting pregnant so quickly was God's way of taking care of us, and telling me that this time it was all going to be ok.  So many emotions came back to the surface.  But I took it week-by-week.  And then, Good Friday morning happened.  Again, my life would never be the same.......